Thursday, December 29, 2005
10> Most lesbians don't rent the U-Haul truck until AFTER a
second successful date.
9> Can never remember who left the toilet seat up.
8> No lesbian couples actually spend an inordinate amount of
time lounging around in Victoria's Secret lingerie,
having pillow fights and secretly wishing some guy would join
them for a sweaty threesome.
7> One person of each pair still spends too much time in the
6> Even lesbian couples agree that "The View" sucks.
5> Just having the same equipment doesn't make you any better at
4> A "same-sex" relationship doesn't necessarily mean
Monday night, missionary position; Tuesday night, missionary
position; Wednesday night, missionary position....
3> The relatives not only don't disown you, they show you off
like some sort of liberal trophy.
2> No matter what the gender combination, married partners STILL
don't understand each other.
and the Number 1 Little-Known Fact
About Same-Sex Relationships...
1> Same-sex or opposite-sex relationships, it still leaves
Michael Jackson as a single.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
R&U= Rich and Unimaginative Girlfriend
BBC= Broke But Creative Girlfriend
R&U: Taking your lover on an Olivia cruise
BBC: Dressing up as Olivia the cartoon pig and cruising your beloved at a bar: ("I'm gonna make you squeal, baby!")
R&U: The Hitachi Magic Wand and a week's worth of Kama Sutra massage oil
BBC: The $5 electric toothbrush and a bottle of Wesson oil
R&U: Candlelit dinner for two at Chez Chic, followed by a kd lang concert
BBC: Candlelit dinner for two at your place (with kd lang playing on the boom box) and dessert in the bedroom.
R&U: A threesome with a $500 a night "professional"
BBC: A twosome with a coupon good for "indulging in the kink of your choice"
R&U: A week on the Greek Isle of Lesbos
BBC: A weekend in Athens, GA. Or Rome, GA. Or Paris, TX.
R&U: Tickets to her favorite concert series
BBC: Mix tape, baby. With plenty of suggestive tunes.
(Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")
I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old dad and mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.
First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.
Oh say can you see it now
Watch my parents have a cow.
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.
Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.
Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too.
Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice, get off the fence!
Shoult it from the highest roof:
Gay is great and you're the proof.
Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!
Friday, December 16, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Twas the night before Solstice, but early in the day
When Jorjie the dyke at last made her way
To a land way up north, where everyone was free
To the land of her dreams where everyone was gay,
Or lesbian, or trans, as the case may be.
She'd had quite a journey, undertaken at risk
Of trolls and trapezes, potholes and brisk
Bright talkers and stalkers holding the road
And Homeland Security who required a frisk
Of her person and baggage and even her toad!
It took her six months – no, just half a year
Of coping with bigots who fomented fear
Of boyish girls and girlish boys
And everything, everything, everything queer
From dolls to trucks to books and toys.
So, she'd set out to find this marvelous place
Where no one had suffered for gender or grace
Or for lack of charm or height or size
Or for coming to dinner wearing white lace.
And she’d found it, she saw, rubbing her eyes.
The snow fall lay gleaming all about the town.
None of the people had their eyes cast down!
They walked in twos, and fives and threes
All holding hands, some wearing crowns!
Oops, sorry, they’re tiaras, now if you please.
Boys kissing boys and men kissing men,
Right there on the street! She saw them and then,
She spied a young dyke throwing glances her way.
Jorjie took a deep breath, remembering her Zen,
Crossed the road with her toad and got ready to say,
"Hey, sister, I saw you giving me glances.
Now I wanna know just what are my chances
Of getting to stay in this wonderful place?"
The sister was quick to tell her of dances,
Then folded Jorjie in passionate embrace.
It was the answer she needed, a welcome to town
Up there in Vermont, that land of renown.
Or at least so she dreamed when the sun stood still.
She woke the next morning in her summer nightgown
Vowing to herself, "I'll find it, I will!"
When her parents were sleeping she stole out the door
Tiptoeing like Tinkerbell across the floor
And into the forest with her toad and her axe
Striding through brushland and over the moor
Carrying vision in her heart and a full backpack.
On northward and northward for weeks she strode
Following now this, now that wooded road
Escaping the trolls, the trap-easies and all
Staying true to herself and her woman-loving code
As Summer days shortened to fade into Fall.
Despite boots and pack, no vision in flannel,
She, no dykey cliché, not stuck on sports channels,
Strode through Hoosier and Cornhusker and Show Me States,
Finding them backwards, not progressive, too banal,
No queers in politics, no state-championed dates.
Wanting to find home where gender was fluid,
Not comfortable with neighbors in fear, who hid
Who they felt like inside, they were shrouded in Bushisms!
Not sharing what they've known since they were just kids,
Saying of the closet, "My family pushed me in..."
Jorjie crossed Lake Champlain, splashing briefly with Champ,
Shook off on the docks, six months earlier so camp!
Covered with rainbows, beer tents, and gay folk,
This night slightly brisk, snow glistening by lamps,
She felt warm inside, despite her recent soak.
Two men holding hands, one slender, one furry,
Strolling by glanced her way, those two in no hurry,
(ending their four-hundredth date with a walk on the bayside)
Stretched out their umbrella, protecting her from flurries,
And made sure she wasn't left alone by the wayside.
Once inside, upstairs in their chic, modern flat,
With a goldfish, Jorjie's toad, two dogs, and a cat,
They opened their guestroom to the slightly damp newbie,
And sat her down for a welcoming chat,
About where she could meet women, talk, and make whoopie.
Fourteen cups of cocoa, and two days later,
At a bohemian coffee shop, Jorjie met a cute skater
Named Tommie, once Bethany years before,
Flirted because, well, what a cute tranny waiter!
With banter and wit that made her heart soar.
The two partnered well, spoke for hours, laughed on end,
A new lover, a partner, a confidant, a friend.
With the gay boys helping pack the U-Hauls,
(okay, kind of cliché, but could they deny that trend?!)
They moved into a home that was quaint but not too small.
The guest list grew for a grand joining of hands
With colleagues, and buddies, and neighbors, and bands.
That day, the following spring, was lovely and balmy,
And Jorjie, home at last in dyke-friendly lands,
Created life and family with her dream partner Tommie.
But this wasn't a dream, not this time, oh no!
It was as real as ice, as real as snow!
As real as irises blooming in Spring.
And our story is just about ending you know.
Joy came with the Solstice, and now we can sing!
Tra-lee, tra-la, we live in the north
Where we know our value, it just shines forth!
We join hands together to sing to the sky
And celebrate the turning of our Mother Earth
And dream of our spirits learning to fly.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
Why do women wait until last call to tell you they have a lover?
Can you throw attitude if nobody is willing to catch it?
Where are all the rich lesbians?
Why do women get into celibacy after you move in with them?
How come dykes call every woman they ever dated, even once, an "ex"?
How about a really honest personal ad? "Enlightened, non-smoking, financially secure woman looking for same or will forego all of the above for a really cute dyke."
Just how many of us have taken a woman`s studies class hoping to find a date?
When will the Music become the focus of a Women`s Music festival?
How come the lover who couldn`t dance becomes Paula Abdul when she leaves you?
Anybody else have a hard time figuring out that it`s over? (Last time I didn't have a clue until she started taking someone else to our couple's therapy sessions)
Ever notice that the more women you pack into a space the less chance that you will find a date there?
Remember when your bedroom didn`t have to look like an appliance warehouse for you to be thought of as good in bed?
Why hasn`t anybody found a sexier name for dental dams?
Wouldn`t it be great if we knew that the women we have slept with would never tell their future lovers what we were like in bed?
Has any good ever come from a drunken 3 a.m. call to an ex?
When will lesbians learn that you can`t keep an affair a secret if you take your new girlie to the town`s only gay bar?
When will dykes who ditch you stop using the insincere offer of friendship as a lovely parting gift?
Why is it that the same women who maul you in public won't touch you in private?
Why does our biggest fight of the year always have to occur during our vacation?
Isn`t that woman who is after you now the same one who wouldn't even talk to you when you were single?
How come you only run into your ex on laundry day or after a car wreck?
Now that so many stright women look gay, won`t lesbians who claim to be straight-acting be immediately recognizable as dykes?
How come denial gets such a bad rap?
Does it mean we are commitment phobic just because we refuse to give her the spare house keys on the first date?
What is butch? Is the butch the one who hogs the remote control and flips channels non-stop?
Couldn`t you just die when you ask her what went wrong and she goes on and on? ....or you ask her who she`s seeing now and she goes on and on?
Is there anything more heart wrenching than seeing an ex wearing something that you gave her while she is with another woman? (Even ten years after the breakup)
How many women who say they are in an open relationship have partners who know they are in an open relationship?
Friday, September 23, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
When I was in college, I failed one class ever. Embarrassingly enough, it was Gay and Lesbian Studies. This is particularly humiliating because my two beloved cats, Ping and Pong, are lesbians and therefore I should be, like, hyper-aware of the issues that the gay community faces.
I know that there is an obvious joke in there involving pussies and cats, but I'm dead serious. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, it's pork, pork, pork with those two. Initially, I tried to turn them back to the path of righteousness of Our Lord Jesus Christ. But, after several years of trying, I've learned that you can lead a lesbian cat to water, but you can't make her drink. Unless, of course, your cat is a lesbian and a chronically thirsty borderline diabetic, as mine is -- but that's another story.
Point is, I've realized that there is no use trying to change my cats. They were born lesbians, just as I was born with blue eyes. And they'll be dry-humping all over the apartment whether I like it or not. So, like every good mother should, I did my best to understand my furry little muffdivers: I took Gay and Lesbian Studies. Which, as previously mentioned, I summarily failed.
However, I stand by the fact that I failed that class not through any fault of my own, but because the professor had it in for me. After the first assigned reading, some freshman girl raised her hand in class and asked what a dental dam is, and I muttered out loud "Are you fucking kidding me?" The professor hated me from that point forward. I probably should have dropped the class right then and there, but I soldiered on … for the sake of understanding my cats better.
Lot of good that did me. I received an incomplete that later turned into a big fat F on my permanent record, and, despite that failure, the class has become part of my mother's periodic "you don't have a boyfriend and you took Gay and Lesbian Studies in college and you have two cats - I knew it, my daughter's a lesbian!" tirade. Besides … I still don't feel any closer to my cats than before.
Perhaps there's only so much one can learn in the classroom, and the only real way to break down the wall between us is to go out there and try my hand at some rug-munching. As the old saying goes, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Here's to you, Ping and Pong. Momsie's lezzing it up this week.
So, I read through tons and tons of w4w posts this week, and this is the one that I could identify with the most … I figured that latching onto something that I can understand, initially, would be the simplest way to find some common grounds between my lesbian cats and me.
drunk and on fire - w4w - 26
i am on fire right now....
i want to talk to a hot, round, soft, gorgeous woman who wants it as bad as i do. i have been feeling so sedate right now. i need to feel spontaneous, wild, hot, and wet. life seems so flat.
where are you? do you feel the same?
Now, I may not be a card-carrying Bean-flicker, but this post is clearly a case of Craigslist drunk dialing. And drunk dialing is something that all of God's creatures, regardless of their choice of bed buddies, can understand. Personally, I love that moment, right before you pass out, when you're all drunk and crazed and you feel like you sooooooooo could be having the most amazing sex in the whole wide world (if only you weren't shitfaced and alone) … and then you pass out. I especially love it when you act on that feeling and place the booty call … and then you pass out.
I've never tried drunk dialing on craigslist, but if this lesbian has taught me anything, it's that there's a first for everything. Look out for my drunk-dialed post this Saturday. It will probably look something like this:
Hard up Craigslist Columnistttttt drunk and on fire
NOOOOOOW you won't regret it
cUM over I am waitin 4 uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!
MUST LVE VOKKA AND CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111
Or, something like that.
Anyway. Lesbians drunk dial. I drunk dial. Ping and Pong, we're not so different after all!
Here's another post to which I can relate:
eat me today - w4w - 33
Hey Ladies ...
Want to lick and suck my hot tasty wet pussy for a while today ( could use ya for about half hour If I like it maybe longer ) ...
You won't get anthing in return ( except a thank you ) ...sorry I will not touch you at all ...you must keep your clothes on ( well I might want to watch you play with yourself too we'll see) .Be willing to come to me ( possibly eat outside - we'll see ) Not Looking to talk ...When you get here be ready to get on your knees and start eatin ..I will grab you by your hair and make sure you do it the way i want ..You will be willing ( i would not pressure you unless you want it )
I am 33 married ( with kids ) so BE DISCREET 110lbs./white
I want a woman between 25 and 30 ( white) ..Nice tits ...please be cute ...
Send a pic I will reply ...Be available around noon today ....
Hurry I'mm drippin'
Who among us isn't into the idea of an anonymous Oral Assistant who can be bossed around and then packed up and shipped home? I have imagined just such a scenario many a time.
And lookee here -- I'm feeling closer and closer to understanding your ways, putty tats!
Although, in the end it was this post, I think, that truly illuminated the way to a connection between me and my todger-dodger cats:
LOOKING FOR LESBIANS FOR PHOTO SHOOT - 25
HEY LADIES..LOOKING TO GET TOGETHER A GROUP OF LESBIANS FOR AN KISSING SEQUENCE FOR A PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT. I AM A LESBIAN, BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPHER WANTING TO EXPLORE ON FILM THE LESBIAN KISS...THERE IS NO COMPENSATION (SORRY STARVING ARTIST), BUT YOU WOULD BE LOCKING LIPS WITH SOME CUTE GIRLS, CAN PROVIDE SOME ALCOHOL, JUST GOOD TIME. PLEASE E-MAIL IF INTERESTED, PICTURE WOULD BE HELPFUL.
I mean, because really, at the end of the day, who -- gay, straight, whatever -- can honestly say that they've never been tempted into porn with the lure of free alcohol?
Pingsy and Pongsy, I think I'm starting to get it! Vulva voyage, ahoy!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Sunday, July 10, 2005
The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. Advertisement
“How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?”
“No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”
"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
WARNING:Do not confer with your significant other on answers. Doing so maybe detrimental to your relationship.
Match the following concepts with their definitions listed below.
__ born to be a lesbian
__ converted lesbian
__ lesbian by choice
__ fluid sexual identity
a) a former hetrosexual who finally admitted her disillusionment, dumped her husband & became a lesbian
b) a woman who possesses the yet to be found lesbian gene
c) only her surgeon knows for sure
d) a woman who has experimented with both males & females before deciding on the better sex
e) a free spirit who wants her (beef) cake and Edith, Suzie, Mary and other females too.
Check all that apply:
1. Hard butches
__ are domineering, controlling and intimidating hairy women with permanent scowl lines embedded in their faces, who scare people on sight
__ never commit, they only conquer
__ are synonymous with stone butches, bull dykes, big foot and Neanderthals
__ are led to believe they have power over women
__ are female Fonzies
__ are notorious for leading many straight women to convert
__ really do carve notches in their bed posts
__ make excellent charm school teachers
3. Soft butches
__ are wannabe butches who just can`t get the attitude right
__ are butches with sensitivity training
__ are butches who have been soaked in downy
__ all of the above
4. Hard femmes
__ are femmes who work out
__ are butches in training
__ are butches who look better in a dress
__ are femmes who have been burned by too many butches
__ have fingernails and know how to use them
__ have the power and know how to use it
__ are infamous for bringing butches to their knees
__ enjoy being mistaken for being straight
6. Soft femmes
__ are femmes you can sink your teeth into
__ are femmes who need to join a heath club
__ are femmes who whisper a lot
__ are novices
7. Gender benders
__ are butches who wear evening gowns
__ look better in boxer shorts than most men
__ when packing, fill out the front of jeans better than most men
__ make everyone do a double take
8. Androgynous women
__ have both male & female characteristics
__ have neither male or female characteristics
__ are the undiscovered third sex
__ are transgenderists
Read the statements below and decide if each is True, False or you`d Rather Not Say
__ Tops are preferably either butch or femme
__ Being topped by a femme is a peak experience for a butch
__ Being topped by a butch is redundant
__ The taller woman is always the top
__ Good tops are hard to find
__ Good tops are hard to tie down
__ Topps is a brand of baseball cards
__ Bottoms up is a contradiction in terms
__ Being a dime a dozen, bottoms are very cost effective
__ It is not fair to switch in the middle
__ A switch is a woman equally skilled with both hands
__ A switch is a woman who has trouble making up her mind
__ Switches do not really need a partner
__ A fiery woman who switches should be nicknames a "hot cross bun"
Check the correct answer
Conventional sex is called:
__ rocky road
__ politically correct
__ politically incorrect
__ a famous sumo wrestler
B&D refers to:
__ breakfast & dinner
__ blind & deaf
__ a true, erotic experience
__ is a female submarine commander
__ takes it lying down
__ knows it`s better to surrender than fight
__ is a piece of writing sent for publication
Domination refers to:
__ a spotted dog
__ having the upper hand
__ having the upper bunk
__ a religious preference
Which of the following should we claim as part of our culture?
__ a lesbian who has never been sexual with another woman
__ a lesbian who is celibate
__ a lesbian who sleeps with men
__ married women with understanding husbands
__ any variation of bisexuality
__ happily single
__ unhappily single
__ happily married
__ unhappily married
__ monogamous by choice
__ non-monogamous by choice
__ celibate by choice
__ celibate by circumstance
__ a virgin by choice
__ a virgin by circumstances
Rank these fantasy dates:
__ dating the diesel dyke
__ liason with the leather dyke
__ tryst with the tomboy
__ lust with the lipie (lesbian hippie)
__ fling with the femme fatale
__ loving with the luppie (lesbian yuppie)
If you took the test, it indicates that you:
__ are very secure in your knowledge of lesbian identities
__ are a perpetual student lesbian who thought the test was part of the curriculum
__ are probably as confused as the rest of us, and seeking some enlightenment