Thursday, December 29, 2005

The Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Same-Sex Relationships


10> Most lesbians don't rent the U-Haul truck until AFTER a
second successful date.

9> Can never remember who left the toilet seat up.

8> No lesbian couples actually spend an inordinate amount of
time lounging around in Victoria's Secret lingerie,
having pillow fights and secretly wishing some guy would join
them for a sweaty threesome.

7> One person of each pair still spends too much time in the

6> Even lesbian couples agree that "The View" sucks.

5> Just having the same equipment doesn't make you any better at
using it.

4> A "same-sex" relationship doesn't necessarily mean
Monday night, missionary position; Tuesday night, missionary
position; Wednesday night, missionary position....

3> The relatives not only don't disown you, they show you off
like some sort of liberal trophy.

2> No matter what the gender combination, married partners STILL
don't understand each other.

and the Number 1 Little-Known Fact
About Same-Sex Relationships...

1> Same-sex or opposite-sex relationships, it still leaves
Michael Jackson as a single.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Incredible Laptop Experiences With Lucy Liu

And the Number 1 Reason You Should Have Waited Before You Bought That Dell is... you could have gotten a free lap dance from Lucy Liu! Note the "sensible shoes" on the librarian? Oh yeah, the gaydar is pinging.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

LNews Last Minute Lesbian Gift Guide 2005

R&U= Rich and Unimaginative Girlfriend
BBC= Broke But Creative Girlfriend

R&U: Taking your lover on an Olivia cruise
BBC: Dressing up as Olivia the cartoon pig and cruising your beloved at a bar: ("I'm gonna make you squeal, baby!")

R&U: The Hitachi Magic Wand and a week's worth of Kama Sutra massage oil
BBC: The $5 electric toothbrush and a bottle of Wesson oil

R&U: Candlelit dinner for two at Chez Chic, followed by a kd lang concert
BBC: Candlelit dinner for two at your place (with kd lang playing on the boom box) and dessert in the bedroom.

R&U: A threesome with a $500 a night "professional"
BBC: A twosome with a coupon good for "indulging in the kink of your choice"

R&U: A week on the Greek Isle of Lesbos
BBC: A weekend in Athens, GA. Or Rome, GA. Or Paris, TX.

R&U: Tickets to her favorite concert series
BBC: Mix tape, baby. With plenty of suggestive tunes.

Coming Out For Christmas

(Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old dad and mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now
Watch my parents have a cow.
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too.

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice, get off the fence!
Shoult it from the highest roof:
Gay is great and you're the proof.
Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Moments in Dyke Parenting

More thanks to Miss April, for yet another great find!

Nice Goin', Coach!

Muchas gracias to Miss April, who does indeed rock, for sending this one in!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Twas the Night Before Solstice

By Thelma C. Fowler and J. Edgar Hovercraft

Twas the night before Solstice, but early in the day
When Jorjie the dyke at last made her way
To a land way up north, where everyone was free
To the land of her dreams where everyone was gay,
Or lesbian, or trans, as the case may be.

She'd had quite a journey, undertaken at risk
Of trolls and trapezes, potholes and brisk
Bright talkers and stalkers holding the road
And Homeland Security who required a frisk
Of her person and baggage and even her toad!

It took her six months – no, just half a year
Of coping with bigots who fomented fear
Of boyish girls and girlish boys
And everything, everything, everything queer
From dolls to trucks to books and toys.

So, she'd set out to find this marvelous place
Where no one had suffered for gender or grace
Or for lack of charm or height or size
Or for coming to dinner wearing white lace.
And she’d found it, she saw, rubbing her eyes.

The snow fall lay gleaming all about the town.
None of the people had their eyes cast down!
They walked in twos, and fives and threes
All holding hands, some wearing crowns!
Oops, sorry, they’re tiaras, now if you please.

Boys kissing boys and men kissing men,
Right there on the street! She saw them and then,
She spied a young dyke throwing glances her way.
Jorjie took a deep breath, remembering her Zen,
Crossed the road with her toad and got ready to say,

"Hey, sister, I saw you giving me glances.
Now I wanna know just what are my chances
Of getting to stay in this wonderful place?"
The sister was quick to tell her of dances,
Then folded Jorjie in passionate embrace.

It was the answer she needed, a welcome to town
Up there in Vermont, that land of renown.
Or at least so she dreamed when the sun stood still.
She woke the next morning in her summer nightgown
Vowing to herself, "I'll find it, I will!"

When her parents were sleeping she stole out the door
Tiptoeing like Tinkerbell across the floor
And into the forest with her toad and her axe
Striding through brushland and over the moor
Carrying vision in her heart and a full backpack.

On northward and northward for weeks she strode
Following now this, now that wooded road
Escaping the trolls, the trap-easies and all
Staying true to herself and her woman-loving code
As Summer days shortened to fade into Fall.

Despite boots and pack, no vision in flannel,
She, no dykey cliché, not stuck on sports channels,
Strode through Hoosier and Cornhusker and Show Me States,
Finding them backwards, not progressive, too banal,
No queers in politics, no state-championed dates.

Wanting to find home where gender was fluid,
Not comfortable with neighbors in fear, who hid
Who they felt like inside, they were shrouded in Bushisms!
Not sharing what they've known since they were just kids,
Saying of the closet, "My family pushed me in..."

Jorjie crossed Lake Champlain, splashing briefly with Champ,
Shook off on the docks, six months earlier so camp!
Covered with rainbows, beer tents, and gay folk,
This night slightly brisk, snow glistening by lamps,
She felt warm inside, despite her recent soak.

Two men holding hands, one slender, one furry,
Strolling by glanced her way, those two in no hurry,
(ending their four-hundredth date with a walk on the bayside)
Stretched out their umbrella, protecting her from flurries,
And made sure she wasn't left alone by the wayside.

Once inside, upstairs in their chic, modern flat,
With a goldfish, Jorjie's toad, two dogs, and a cat,
They opened their guestroom to the slightly damp newbie,
And sat her down for a welcoming chat,
About where she could meet women, talk, and make whoopie.

Fourteen cups of cocoa, and two days later,
At a bohemian coffee shop, Jorjie met a cute skater
Named Tommie, once Bethany years before,
Flirted because, well, what a cute tranny waiter!
With banter and wit that made her heart soar.

The two partnered well, spoke for hours, laughed on end,
A new lover, a partner, a confidant, a friend.
With the gay boys helping pack the U-Hauls,
(okay, kind of cliché, but could they deny that trend?!)
They moved into a home that was quaint but not too small.

The guest list grew for a grand joining of hands
With colleagues, and buddies, and neighbors, and bands.
That day, the following spring, was lovely and balmy,
And Jorjie, home at last in dyke-friendly lands,
Created life and family with her dream partner Tommie.

But this wasn't a dream, not this time, oh no!
It was as real as ice, as real as snow!
As real as irises blooming in Spring.
And our story is just about ending you know.
Joy came with the Solstice, and now we can sing!

Tra-lee, tra-la, we live in the north
Where we know our value, it just shines forth!
We join hands together to sing to the sky
And celebrate the turning of our Mother Earth
And dream of our spirits learning to fly.