Tuesday, June 27, 2006
We love it when real LNewsers write in with links, news tips and their own thoughts, but we don't deeply love it when we get emailed by bots. Spam bots. And yes, they are legion, but they are kinda funny sometimes.
Granted, we definitely have a sense of humor about it. We delight in the power of the internet to bring us closer together and keep us informed, whether it be about today's news or tomorrow's events. Sometimes we find inner fulfillment in some celebrity crap that makes us realize that "Hah, I'm not nearly as trailer as Britney and her whigger snotrag of a husband, K-Fed!" And the ever-popular "OMG! Ellen's single again!"
Some spamulation offers for help are downright confusing. For example, one spam promises to help you gain inches while another promises to help you lose inches. A perfect balance of conflict for the indecisive OCD worrywarts in your life. Twitch, twitch.
On the gaining inches side, it's usually inches in the weenage department. Heck, if you want a bigger peener, do what every bright lesbian does. Get on the internet and buy yourself a whole passel of big ol' swingin' johnsons in various sizes, shapes and colors! Don't forget the lube and batteries on your way to the checkout page.
Underfunded? There's always financial assistance. Even if you've spent your entire life in your parents house, under a bridge or in an apartment, they can help you refinance a mortgage on a home you don't even have! Heck, they'll even offer to put some vinyl siding on it, too. For low discount prices, even. Just cover that baby up with slabs of plastic and watch your investment balloon until it pops! Or just melts in the next heatwave.
Wanna crack into the stock market and be a hotshot trader? Apparently, penny stocks are the way to go. If some Chinese company you never heard of is trading for .0015 a share, just imagine how many shares you can buy for little more than the price of a Whopper and fries! Almost a bazillion, prolly! Stock market tip emails have the best ever subject lines, too. "Linoleum Rising," "Cartier Fathers," and "Melanoma Surprise" are great band names waiting to happen.
And the names these spambots use...they're almost like real peoples names. Except I've never been to high school with anybody named Ardelia Melida or Keisha Mirtha, but Rikki Meglaly was in Honor Society back when her name was Richard. She was such a pretty boy. Too pretty, in fact. I'm not surprised she's sending out spam to finance "the change."
So when we're sorting through all those offers for cheap watches (we're good with anything that takes a licking and keeps on ticking) and all those webcams aimed at neglected housewives (a sadly underreported crime that could be an excellent recruiting opportunity), know that we're getting a kick out of it all in a perverse way.
But we'd really rather hear from you. Don't try to sell us, just tell us -- what's on your mind. It won't drain anybody's wallet or lead to an embarrassed midnight call to the Better Business Bureau, but it is a good investment in the worldwide lesbian community we're building here. For heaven's sake, we just found out there's a bunch of hot Nordic musician babes visiting LNews on a regular basis! (Don't lie and say you don't want a phone number or two.)
LNewsers are definitely more lively and interesting than spambot spewage any day, and you know it. Besides, you might have a cool email nic that makes us wanna email you back, then rush out, buy your stock and view your webcam, baybee...