Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You May Have Given the Wrong Valentine's Day Gift

Have you noticed a distinct lackanookie in your household since February 14th? It may be due to the totally inappropriate gift you gave your sweetheart for Valentine's Day.

Sure, she was nice about it and all, but the Slot Machine of Love has not been spewing quarters at you lately, and these gifts might be why. Here's what your inappropriate gift says about you:

Chastity Belt with GPS Tracking: This says you're the "Stalkery Type" who won't take "I'm at my Mom's house, helping her deal with the side effects of chemo, dammit!" for an answer. You want to know exactly where she and her cooze are at all times. It's a little too...clingy. Might want to trade that in for something less... scary. Your parole officer would agree.

The Chocolate Scale: Oh, it's not a scale to weigh your chocolate. It's a scale she can weigh her fat ass on every day of her life until she loses that extra weight she picked up at Mich Fest, isn't it? Or maybe it'll remind her of all those calories she ingested every time she took a bite of that funnel cake at the last Pride while your svelte vegan ass was starving for anything that wasn't guaranteed to be animal product-free? Nice going, moron.

Elephant Poo Paper Roses:
Just because she drives a Prius doesn't mean she's going to go all green-gaga over this 'earth-friendly' gift. For gawd's sake, you just literally gave her sh*t for Valentine's Day! Because it was classier than giving her an "I Luv U" message made of fake dog crap?
What a charmer you are. Not. Totally not.

The Kiss-O-Meter:
Remember those old carnival/arcade thingies where you grabbed some handle that'd tell you (in red flashing lights, no less!) what a good kisser you were? Well, this ain't it. The Kiss-O-Meter is a personal halitosis warning system so you don't accidentally inflict your stinking breath on a kiss you're aiming at some one. This sends a message, alrighty.

The TwoDaLoo: Sure, she'd love to have a really unique iPod docking station with a built in LCD tv, but this isn't it. In fact, this is right up there with the Uhaul you showed up with on your second date. It's too much togetherness. Way too much.

Oh we could go on for days, but you've probably already received something oddly inappropriate for VD. Feel free to dish the dirt on that horrendous gift, with complete anonymity, in the comments.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Post Valentine's Day Thoughts: Things That Suck About Being Single

When we first stumbled on this list, we (who cannot legally be married to the person of our choice unless we live in Massachusetts or Connecticut), we immediately realized that it's not about being single as much as it is about:

"What Sucks About Being Unable to Get Married (if that's what you want)"

Marketing 101: Get Their Attention

Remember that Pets.com site where you could buy all kinds of pet stuff online and have it delivered to your door? And how it went under quickly when people realized it cost $50 to ship a $25 bag of dog food? Yeah. It's now a bland, generic pet info site owned by PetSmart.

So anyway, brick and mortar pet stores are still around, and competing for business just like everybody else. But we're willing to bet you haven't seen your local pet store advertising like this bunch does in Australia, in a NSFW kinda way.

Catfights and Cologne

Ever wonder what a perfume commercial would look like if Roman Polanski directed it? And it featured a catfight between Natalie Portman and Michelle Williams? After they'd cuddled a bit in a non-vaguely lesbianific way?

We smelled humor. Now you can smell "Greed. By Francesco Vezzoli."

Missed Valentine's Day?

Don't sweat it! Besides, everything's on sale now! And you can come up with an excuse to buy her something intimate like this, right?

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Long Island Lesbian

Drakkar Noir!

Wonder Woman's Kink

Okay, so she's got that golden lasso thing. But she's apparently more interesting in being tied up than using that golden lasso on anybody else. Behold: more Wonder Woman in Bondage.

Truck Chicks and Tractor Chicks

From the delightful MarriedToTheSea.com, which isn't a lesbian site, but will definitely appeal to anyone in the graphic/advertising arts.

Varla Jean's Schoolhouse Rock Medley

Just keep the "Interjections" sequence in your head and you'll make it though the workweek just fine!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Gifts for the Breast Fetishist In Your Life

For the discerning friend who can't get enough of the chesty stuff, comes this clever list of boobie-related merchandise. And by "discerning," we mean "has the maturity level of a 14-year-old boi." Egg-citing stuff, indeed.

Interviews With My Next Girlfriend

Winner of "Best Comedy" in the PlanetOut.com/HBO Short Movie Awards. This short appears on the "Watching You" DVD, a collection of lesbian short films.

You've Only Got One So Be Nice to It!

Yet another hilarious commercial that would never get airplay in the States.