Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Whack Ass Advice: Handling the Hirsuit Honey

Dear WordyGrrl,

I truly adore my girl, but lately her physical condition and refusal to change it has really been bothering me. She doesn't believe in shaving. At all.

I'm all for "keeping it real", but she's got a tremendously hairy back and my fingernails keep getting caught in it. And frankly, it's a bit of a turnoff. Any advice?

-- Hairy Mary's Grrl

Dear Mary's Grrl,

What an unusual question you've posed. Sure hope she wears a T-shirt at the beach before she's mistaken for Sasquatch and appears on the nightly news. But I digress.

Take heart, dear, and don't worry about nagging your girlfriend to compromise her beliefs about trimming off the fur. There are other ways far more pleasant for you to achieve the closeness you desire without the snags.

Discover the amazing powers of a depilatory (hair remover) lotion. Most are pleasantly scented, moisturizing and work in minutes!

Set a scene for intimacy: candles, incense, clean sheets for a change and this "great new massage lotion" you've just discovered. Wine her, dine her and roll her on her tummy for a soothing backrub. An intimate massage of 15 minutes or more -- with that hair remover lotion -- will leave her relaxed and render that forest of icky back fur as a distant memory.

Have fun with your slippery sweetie!


Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Coming Out For Christmas

(sung to the tune of "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing")

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old Dad and Mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now?
Watch my parents have a cow!
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all, look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too?

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice! Get off the fence!
Shout it from the highest roof --
Gay is great and you're the proof!

Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Beware of the Drunks: A Save and Print Special

After you and your pals have shut down the Lusty Lady Dyke Bar and Grill, do you often continue the party at your place? If so, this sign might be helpful in warding off lawsuits. Suitable for lamination, even.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Ooh! A Lesbian Quiz!

Which Lesbian Stereotype Are You? You know you want to know. Just click it! Dare you to share your results in the comments section.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Look Out! Here Come the Lesbians!

Cheesy 50s retro goodness from a pseudo-scientific "how to detect lesbians" documentary. Musicians, there's a lotta sound clips worth sampling in this one!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Stereotype Terminology Explained!

The Babydyke:
# Could be any one of the following but aged from as young as it gets to 20.
# Most likely to say: “Age is just a number!”
# Least likely to say: "I remember this the first time around!”

The Old Skool:
# Usually in their thirties. They’ve been around the block more than they care to admit. They have all the wisdom and battle scars…and possibly issues to prove it. But respect is ALWAYS due.
# Most likely to say: “These babydykes don’t know they’re boooooorn”
# Least likely to say: “So I was in Toni & Guy at the weekend when......”

The Boi Dyke:
# The kind of girl you’re straight girlfriends tell you looks like a boy but secretly fantasise over. She has short very funky hair…possibly a Mohawk or spiky buzz cut and couldn’t tell an epilator from an eye pencil.
# Most likely to say: “Innit!”
# Least likely to say: “Oooh, could I borrow those sandals?"

The Butch:
# Usually found in the Old Skool category, but not always. Very macho. Tends to wear a lot of leather and the hair is short but not overly styled. If the hair is long, it’s unwashed and tied back with an elastic band. No pansy ass scrunchies round this lot. The type of woman who thinks Toni and Guy were 70’s porn stars.
# Most likely to say: “Grrrrrrrr…You lookin at my woman?”.
# Least likely to say: “Hmm, Campari and Soda for me please"

The Femme:
# She looks straight and she’ll stab you with her stiletto for saying so. A dying breed since the rise and fall of the lipstick lesbian, but certainly not dead. Usually found in clusters with their straight friends. Usually very assertive as they need to make all the moves. Many lesbians can’t spot them in their camouflage.
# Most likely to say: “Just because I don’t look like a man I get no attention!”
# Least likely to say: “I've never done this before.... (Oh, yes she has.)"

The Skater Chick:
# A modern day lesbo hybrid of BoiDyke and Femme. They're hot, but sadly, they are usually well aware of this fact. Easily identified by their trademark baggy denims..be they full length or cut off at the shins. Closely related to the ever so less popular surfer chick -- gone but not forgotten.
# Most likely to say: “…..” Nothing actually. Never heard one speak.

The Inbetweeny:
# You know who you are. Totally undefined. Every now and again you try out one of the above styles but you never quite fit in. You’re ambiguous and you like to think it’s because you’re all about content over style. You scoff at the others and they scoff right back. But we all bond at the holidays.
# Most likely to say: “I am not defined by a label!”
# Least likely to say: “Now THAT'S something I can identify with!”

The Dyke on a Bike:
# Now this really is a subculture of a subculture. The dyke on a bike can come from any of the stereo-dyke subgroups. However, it is good to be reminded that wherever you start off: riding around in leather with your thighs clamped to a two-wheeled rocket increases the butch levels dramatically. It all starts with the novelty moped, then the 125,then you wouldn’t be seen dead on anything but a Ducati 250. Then it’s Touring Class or no bike at all. Finally you have a Harley with your Femme girl's name airbrushed onto the tank.
# Most Likely To Say: ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead on anything but my Harley’
# Least Likely To Say: ‘Why don’t we take the bus?’

Monday, November 06, 2006

A Coochie to Dye For!

Have we been remiss all these years in not assigning a special nickname, a personal pronoun, to our own genitalia? If you refer to your female equivalent of "Billy Bob" as "Betty", there's a company marketing just to you! They're promising to help you get your “Betty” ready for viewing by an audience to whom it's important that the curtain matches the drapes.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

How Can You Tell She's a Lesbian

From Alison Bechdel

First scan her carefully for any obvious signs
Labrys jewlery
Tatoos of women`s names
Wallet in hip pocket

If no physical clues are evident, next you must scrutinize her behaviour
Does she make tampon jokes
Get calls only from women
Change the subject when conversations get touchy?
Yeah, the diaphrams inconvenient, but I kept forgetting to
take the pill. Ya can`t win. What do you use Sarah?

My goodness! A rare spotted malasian mango moth! And at
this time of the month

If the answer to any of these is YES chances are she`s one of us. But none
of this evidence is conclusive for proof, you must proceed to the next
step; judicious but leading remarks...
That`s a lovely LAVENDER sweatshirt...LAVENDER is my
favorite color, it`s so Festive and GAY!
wink wink nudge nudge

Finally if none of these methods are getting you anywhere, try asking her,
Are you a lesbian?
Of course, aren`t you?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Grand Unified Lesbian Theory

(or "Why there appears to be a void of single lesbians on a given night in any city I happen to be in")

By Jackie Burrell

In any given area there are x number of lesbians. It doesn't matter where in the world you are, there are x number of lesbians within a reasonable area. Out of that x number of lesbians there are exactly (x-3)/2 number of couples.

Therefore if X=53 there are 25 couples. (A couple does not have to be living together (yeah right), and can include people who are in the PROCESS of breaking up, who have crushes on other people who are in relationships with other people, or who are not yet over the last person they broke up with. (The latter two will always combine to be an even number thereby maintaining the proper balance.) (X however will always be odd). Therefore if you are single, you are part of the three non-coupled people.

So the trick is to find one of the other three (or two remaining) single lesbians. At any given time, one of them will be:
a) out of town (but whatever town she's in will have someone else who's
single out of town thereby keeping the equilibrium)
b) dating men to see if things have changed since the last time she thought
she might be straight.
Therefore you have but one eligible person to date. But you've dated her and she's psychotic.

So how does one get a date? Well remember what I said before about equilibrium? If a couple breaks up, a new couple has to instantly form to maintain the balance. At least one of the members of the new couple will be a part of the couple that broke up (and isn't it just annoying when you aren't the half that does this?), and one will be either:
a) just out of a relationship themselves or
b) part of the three single women group.
HOWEVER, even if two people from two seperate couples break up and form a new couple, a second new couple has to be formed, and therefore ONE and ONLY ONE of the three single women will be drafted into the new couple.

There are two times of the year that this theory will fall apart:
1) Softball season
2) The holidays
At these times the equilibrium will be disturbed but IMMEDIATELY following these periods it will be restored.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Filtering Spam For Fun and Profit

By LNewsEditor

We love it when real LNewsers write in with links, news tips and their own thoughts, but we don't deeply love it when we get emailed by bots. Spam bots. And yes, they are legion, but they are kinda funny sometimes.

Granted, we definitely have a sense of humor about it. We delight in the power of the internet to bring us closer together and keep us informed, whether it be about today's news or tomorrow's events. Sometimes we find inner fulfillment in some celebrity crap that makes us realize that "Hah, I'm not nearly as trailer as Britney and her whigger snotrag of a husband, K-Fed!" And the ever-popular "OMG! Ellen's single again!"

Some spamulation offers for help are downright confusing. For example, one spam promises to help you gain inches while another promises to help you lose inches. A perfect balance of conflict for the indecisive OCD worrywarts in your life. Twitch, twitch.

On the gaining inches side, it's usually inches in the weenage department. Heck, if you want a bigger peener, do what every bright lesbian does. Get on the internet and buy yourself a whole passel of big ol' swingin' johnsons in various sizes, shapes and colors! Don't forget the lube and batteries on your way to the checkout page.

Underfunded? There's always financial assistance. Even if you've spent your entire life in your parents house, under a bridge or in an apartment, they can help you refinance a mortgage on a home you don't even have! Heck, they'll even offer to put some vinyl siding on it, too. For low discount prices, even. Just cover that baby up with slabs of plastic and watch your investment balloon until it pops! Or just melts in the next heatwave.

Wanna crack into the stock market and be a hotshot trader? Apparently, penny stocks are the way to go. If some Chinese company you never heard of is trading for .0015 a share, just imagine how many shares you can buy for little more than the price of a Whopper and fries! Almost a bazillion, prolly! Stock market tip emails have the best ever subject lines, too. "Linoleum Rising," "Cartier Fathers," and "Melanoma Surprise" are great band names waiting to happen.

And the names these spambots use...they're almost like real peoples names. Except I've never been to high school with anybody named Ardelia Melida or Keisha Mirtha, but Rikki Meglaly was in Honor Society back when her name was Richard. She was such a pretty boy. Too pretty, in fact. I'm not surprised she's sending out spam to finance "the change."

So when we're sorting through all those offers for cheap watches (we're good with anything that takes a licking and keeps on ticking) and all those webcams aimed at neglected housewives (a sadly underreported crime that could be an excellent recruiting opportunity), know that we're getting a kick out of it all in a perverse way.

But we'd really rather hear from you. Don't try to sell us, just tell us -- what's on your mind. It won't drain anybody's wallet or lead to an embarrassed midnight call to the Better Business Bureau, but it is a good investment in the worldwide lesbian community we're building here. For heaven's sake, we just found out there's a bunch of hot Nordic musician babes visiting LNews on a regular basis! (Don't lie and say you don't want a phone number or two.)

LNewsers are definitely more lively and interesting than spambot spewage any day, and you know it. Besides, you might have a cool email nic that makes us wanna email you back, then rush out, buy your stock and view your webcam, baybee...

Monday, June 19, 2006

What's Her Bra Size?

Sure, you know your girlfriend's cupcakes like the palms of your hands. But how well can you evaluate celebrity hooters? Take the quiz and give it your best shot at cleavage questioning with What’s Her Bra Size?

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Barbies Against Bush's Amendment

So it's true then. We do all begin to look alike after we've been together a few years...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

May is Masturbation Month!

Dangit, we've been so busy celebrating it that we forgot to post an article about it weeks ago! To make up for it, here's a lovely little history lesson for all you vibrator buffs.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Music Video: The Dildo Song

Three babes cut loose with a hilarious ad for adult toys. It's The Dildo Song, and we dare you to keep this jaunty jingle out of your head all day.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Work that Junk Inside Your Trunk!

For heteros, June is historically "Brides Month"... during which two lovebirds join hands and vow to stick together until one of them cheats or gains weight or stops bathing regularly. Now that same-sex marriage is legal (or at least civil unions are), make sure you're primed for all the fun wedding receptions have to offer. Yes, that includes being ready to shake your groove thing at the reception. Curve's Holly S. DeMaagd has prepared a hiliarious Dance List to help you plan your bootshakin' moves at the next lesbian wedding. Work it, Grrl!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Crap Product of the Week: Woman to Woman Spray

Tired of wasting your money on cocktails for the reluctant grrlies? Piss it away on some hoodoo aromatherapy quackery instead -- and watch the babes flock to you! Get the men's version too and confuse the hell outta the whole bar while you're at it! Best of all, IT IS NOT GREASY!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Love is in the Air: Pickup Lines for Spring

It's officially springtime, when every young dyke's fancy turns to love. To assist you in your quest for amor, we offer these sure-fire winning lines to kick off that first conversation with your conquest:

1. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
2. Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?
3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can easily see myself in your pants.
4. Tomorow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?
5. Your parents must be bakers 'cause they created a great set of buns!
6. Your parents must be thieves cuz someone stole the stars from the sky
and put them in your eyes.
7. Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as
I fell in love.
8. Do you have some irish in you? Would you like some?
9. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
10. Would you like to go home for a pizza and a f*ck? [wait for the slap] What? You
don't like pizza?
11. Your legs must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all night.
12. That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were that shirt I
would be coming on you too.
13. If I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?
14. Pez?
15. I heard milk does a body good, but damn! You must drink gallons
at a time!
16. Hi, my name is [your name here]. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later tonight.
17. Excuse me, but could you give me directions? (To where?) Your heart...
18. F*ck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
19. Is that a felt shirt? Would you like it to be?
20. The voices in my head say you should go out with me....
21. Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just you?
22. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.
23. I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body.
24. Person A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? (No) Well then, please start.
25. If I follow you home, will you keep me?
26. Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?
27. Pardon me, but may I attempt to seduce you?
28. [Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on
yours.] "So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes..."
29. (hold up first two fingers on one hand) Know why you should use these two fingers to masturbate? (No, why?)Because they're mine.
30. {Pull out the tag on the back of her shirt]I was just checking to see if it said "Made in Heaven."

Friday, February 24, 2006

She's Somebody's Ex for a Reason

(Link) If the lurid artwork isn't enough to grab you, the shocking titles will! Savor a slice of vintage cheese -- Lesbian pulp fiction covers from back in the day.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine's Day Fun & Games

(Link) What's your Love Style Profile? Find out with this one from OK Cupid.

(Link) This downloadable demo's for a program that say's it'll hone your female-pleasing skills -- by having you learn to wank off a cartoon female bunny. We're not making this up.

(Link) Old school arcade-style fun, in which you rescue a princess who's gagging for a shag from you. Along the way, you collect dental dams for squeaky clean disease-free lesbian nookie.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Sappho's Guide to Dangerous Women

Much has been written about hetrosexual dating, and how to avoid opposite-sex partners who would be wrong for you. No one seems to have done this service for women who love women. It must be admitted that not all women, even lesbians are perfect. Although responsible, loving lesbians can be found anywhere, the following list of eight less-than-perfect types is offered in the hope of helping lesbians avoid
unnecessary disasters.

The Prima Donna, or Queen Bee

This type is easy to spot. She appears in her strapless gown amid the denim jackets of the local lesbian hangout, expecting someone to take her coat (mink, paid for by her last lover) & fetch her a drink. The lady does not like to be kept waiting.

The Prima Donna is usually gorgeous, otherwise her tactics wuld not work. She may be a true lesbian, contrary to speculation, but is often bisexual or ever straight. Her sexuality is not of major importance, because what she wants is power, not sex or emotional involvement. She will use her helplessness as a devide to get things done for her, but she is a survivor who can be surprisingly tough. She is rarely grateful to the generous, love struck dyke who supports her/pays for her divorce/protects her from men & other women/drives her to the shopping mall/listens to her complaints. The best way to discourage this tendency is to look the offender in the eye (if necessary, use a mirror), and say something like, "Do it yourself"

The Cool Butch

This is the Lesbian Nation's answer to the Fonze, and she expects to be treated accordingly. When she wants you, she'll whistle. More often, she waits to be approached by someone who finds her aloofness challenging. In some cases, Ms Cool is married to her career, in some cases she likes one night stands or multiple (shallow) relationships, and in most cases she points out that she never promised you anything. When she tires of the game (hers not yours) she calmly walks away, wiping your tears off her shirt.

Underneath the calm exterior, this woman is terrified of commitment & self-revelation. The Cool Butch knows that others will read into her slightly sarcastic expression whatever they like, and she does not want to spoil the illusion. The best way to start melting her cool is to ask questions & demand answers. (if necessary carry on this dialog in your head). If you drive this woman away you have diverted an Ice Age in your life.

The Hot Butch

She is aggressive, possessive, touchy, unpredictable & unfair. She can be charming or funny in a good mood but the wrong word can change her into a snarling tigress. She has probably been thrown out of the local lesbian hangout at least once for socking someone in the jaw, though she insists this was not her fault (she was provoked). She has no tolerance for criticism & no understanding of other people's moods. If a negative remark does not arouse her wrath, it makes her cry. If she falls in love with you (and when she falls, she falls) expect candlelit suppers presents that put
her in debt & demands for reassurance that you will also love her forever. This phase lasts up to two weeks, or until your first big fight.

The Hot Butch is an overgrown child who wants attention & power, so walk away from her scenes-if you can pry her hands off your collar (Don't hesitate to ask the bouncer for help). When you are the one seething with sudden, intense feeling, whether love-at-first-sight or righteous rage, take a deep breath, a little common sense can prevent a lot of regret later on.

The Celebrity

You are likely to encounter this personage when your friends whisper "that's her", pointing to the most noticeable woman at the party or bar. She wears shades for anonymity, but is surrounded by fans. She is the only local lesbian musician who has national exposure, or she has written a novel ( about people she knows, thinly disguised )has had a one woman show at the local art gallery. Or she expects success in the near future but hasn't been published, exhibited, discovers yet.

Whether or not the Celebrity is really on her way to the top, expect to take 2nd or 3rd place in her life. Her work & ego come first. In some cases, she likes to buy status symbols now in the hope of paying for them later. (She will usually let you help her with this.) If you become her mate, you will take care of all the domestic details she is too busy for, and worship her most of the time, especially in public.
What she really wants is a combination wife & manager. If you object, she will point out that you can be replaced.

Not all famous lesbians are or have been "Celebrity" types. If you meet the woman, described above, resist the urge to throw yourself at her feet; she might not be as talented as she wants you to think. Remember that every woman has her own dream, and you don't have to sacrifice yours for hers.

The Tramp

You might not recognize this woman until too late. In time, you discover she had a troubled youth. She was adopted, unwanted or naturally rebellious, and her folks were straight laced. She came out, ran away, dropped out of school, became addicted to
uppers/downers/heroin/glue/alcohol/junk food & fell into bad company (not necessarily in that order). She is a walking grade B movie & her theme song is "I'm just looking for love". If she gets sympathy from you, you'll hear more true confessions: She gave
her baby for adoption, her parents/pimp/lover used to beat her, she has a jail record, even though she was framed, or she only committed the crime to support herself or her habit or to help a friend or for justified revenge (see Hot Butch).

The tramp feels persecuted & misunderstood. She needs your support, emotional & financial. She claims you can help her sober up, go back to school, get a job & earn the respect of people who did all those things without help. A Tramp will not move unless pushed, especially if she has lucked into your support. She will wear out your sympathy, your bank account & your reputation before she will make a serious effort to change her life.

Hard as it is, the only way to save yourself from a Tramp is to be ruthless. Threated to call the police if she doesn't leave you alone. (They know her well). Ignore her threats & don't deal with her friends. If you're a Tramp, you need services no other woman can provide. You must decide who controls your life (You). Once you know what you want, go to the appropriate institution or social services agency, state your case, find out what you have to do, and do it. Only when you are on your way to
where you want to be (you are not obligated to go straight) will you be able to form a mutual relationship with another adult.

The PC Lesbian Feminist

She is impressive, well-read, intelligent, politically committed & of sound conscience. What could be wrong? You could. Ms Politically Correct asks why she didn't see you at the latest demonstration for women's rights & will not except you explanation (your mother was dying) as an adequate excuse. She does not drink, smoke or eat meat & disapproves of people who do. She strongly disapproves of males, including your brother or your son. Whatever you wear is too feminine or too male identified for her taste, is made of cancer causing synthetic fibres produced in a Third World country by oppressed workers. You get the message.

Of course not all lesbian feminists fit this description, but a little raised conciousness can be a dangerous thing if it makes a woman feel superior to her sisters. Check yourself periodically for intolerance. If another lesbian feminist tries to revise your lifestyle, stop her as firmly as you would stop a non-feminist ( or a non-lesbian non-woman)

The Tease

She points out that she only wants your friendship, then gives you a sisterly kiss on the lips ... for ten minutes. She tells you she hopes you'll find the right woman soon, then describes they type of woman she wants to spend the rest of her life with - who sounds remarkably like you. Unfortunately, teasing is one of the standard Games Lesbian Play because turning someone on & keeping her off-guard are both power trips. If single, the tease likes to keep several potential lovers dangling until she makes up her mind, which might never happen. If she is involved with someone, she wants to keep you on hand as an insurance policy in case her primary relationship falls through.

Your only hope is to make up your own mind. If you want a sexual relationship with her, phrase your request as an ultimatum. If you lose her altogether as a result, at least you won't be teased anymore. If you decide she is too unstable to make a trustworthy mate, refuse to waltz to her tune. If you are the Tease; make up your mind & make yourself clear to whom it may concern.

The Haunted Woman

This woman can't see you clearly because she is still gazing into her unforgettable past. The Haunted Woman is recovering from her last affair, or yearning for a fantasy figure who was never available to her, because fantasies are easier to control than reality. Expect to hear all about the love of her life. You will probably be addressed by several names, none of them yours. Either the memorable girlfriend was a saint among dykes (You'll be found lacking) or as a fiend who ruined the Haunted Woman's life, in which case she will take out the pain on you, treating you as she was treated (or believed she was treated which is worse). When you meet a woman who can't stop talking about a past relationship, try to change the subject & let her know your real name. If all else fails,leave her before she becomes a regrettable item in your past.

If you are a Haunted Woman, stop watching reruns & hoping for impossible comebacks. You can never forget the past, but remember that a lifetime of possibilities lies ahead of you.

In general, insist on honesty in youself & the women you meet will weed
out the games players described above. Abusive games are based on fear so an open, courageous approach to life is the antidote to abuse. If life's journey has brought you to the Lesbian Nation, you have aready come to far to retreat into the no-win roles traditionally offered to women, and so have all your sisters.