Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Grand Unified Lesbian Theory

(or "Why there appears to be a void of single lesbians on a given night in any city I happen to be in")

By Jackie Burrell

In any given area there are x number of lesbians. It doesn't matter where in the world you are, there are x number of lesbians within a reasonable area. Out of that x number of lesbians there are exactly (x-3)/2 number of couples.

Therefore if X=53 there are 25 couples. (A couple does not have to be living together (yeah right), and can include people who are in the PROCESS of breaking up, who have crushes on other people who are in relationships with other people, or who are not yet over the last person they broke up with. (The latter two will always combine to be an even number thereby maintaining the proper balance.) (X however will always be odd). Therefore if you are single, you are part of the three non-coupled people.

So the trick is to find one of the other three (or two remaining) single lesbians. At any given time, one of them will be:
a) out of town (but whatever town she's in will have someone else who's
single out of town thereby keeping the equilibrium)
b) dating men to see if things have changed since the last time she thought
she might be straight.
Therefore you have but one eligible person to date. But you've dated her and she's psychotic.

So how does one get a date? Well remember what I said before about equilibrium? If a couple breaks up, a new couple has to instantly form to maintain the balance. At least one of the members of the new couple will be a part of the couple that broke up (and isn't it just annoying when you aren't the half that does this?), and one will be either:
a) just out of a relationship themselves or
b) part of the three single women group.
HOWEVER, even if two people from two seperate couples break up and form a new couple, a second new couple has to be formed, and therefore ONE and ONLY ONE of the three single women will be drafted into the new couple.

There are two times of the year that this theory will fall apart:
1) Softball season
2) The holidays
At these times the equilibrium will be disturbed but IMMEDIATELY following these periods it will be restored.