Understanding Your Lesbian Cat

By Amy Blair
BlackTable.com



When I was in college, I failed one class ever. Embarrassingly enough, it was Gay and Lesbian Studies. This is particularly humiliating because my two beloved cats, Ping and Pong, are lesbians and therefore I should be, like, hyper-aware of the issues that the gay community faces.

I know that there is an obvious joke in there involving pussies and cats, but I'm dead serious. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, it's pork, pork, pork with those two. Initially, I tried to turn them back to the path of righteousness of Our Lord Jesus Christ. But, after several years of trying, I've learned that you can lead a lesbian cat to water, but you can't make her drink. Unless, of course, your cat is a lesbian and a chronically thirsty borderline diabetic, as mine is -- but that's another story.

Point is, I've realized that there is no use trying to change my cats. They were born lesbians, just as I was born with blue eyes. And they'll be dry-humping all over the apartment whether I like it or not. So, like every good mother should, I did my best to understand my furry little muffdivers: I took Gay and Lesbian Studies. Which, as previously mentioned, I summarily failed.

However, I stand by the fact that I failed that class not through any fault of my own, but because the professor had it in for me. After the first assigned reading, some freshman girl raised her hand in class and asked what a dental dam is, and I muttered out loud "Are you fucking kidding me?" The professor hated me from that point forward. I probably should have dropped the class right then and there, but I soldiered on … for the sake of understanding my cats better.

Lot of good that did me. I received an incomplete that later turned into a big fat F on my permanent record, and, despite that failure, the class has become part of my mother's periodic "you don't have a boyfriend and you took Gay and Lesbian Studies in college and you have two cats - I knew it, my daughter's a lesbian!" tirade. Besides … I still don't feel any closer to my cats than before.

Perhaps there's only so much one can learn in the classroom, and the only real way to break down the wall between us is to go out there and try my hand at some rug-munching. As the old saying goes, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Here's to you, Ping and Pong. Momsie's lezzing it up this week.

So, I read through tons and tons of w4w posts this week, and this is the one that I could identify with the most … I figured that latching onto something that I can understand, initially, would be the simplest way to find some common grounds between my lesbian cats and me.

drunk and on fire - w4w - 26

hey there...

i am on fire right now....

i want to talk to a hot, round, soft, gorgeous woman who wants it as bad as i do. i have been feeling so sedate right now. i need to feel spontaneous, wild, hot, and wet. life seems so flat.

where are you? do you feel the same?

Now, I may not be a card-carrying Bean-flicker, but this post is clearly a case of Craigslist drunk dialing. And drunk dialing is something that all of God's creatures, regardless of their choice of bed buddies, can understand. Personally, I love that moment, right before you pass out, when you're all drunk and crazed and you feel like you sooooooooo could be having the most amazing sex in the whole wide world (if only you weren't shitfaced and alone) … and then you pass out. I especially love it when you act on that feeling and place the booty call … and then you pass out.

I've never tried drunk dialing on craigslist, but if this lesbian has taught me anything, it's that there's a first for everything. Look out for my drunk-dialed post this Saturday. It will probably look something like this:

Hard up Craigslist Columnistttttt drunk and on fire

NOOOOOOW you won't regret it
cUM over I am waitin 4 uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

MUST LVE VOKKA AND CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111

Or, something like that.

Anyway. Lesbians drunk dial. I drunk dial. Ping and Pong, we're not so different after all!

Here's another post to which I can relate:

eat me today - w4w - 33

Hey Ladies ...
Want to lick and suck my hot tasty wet pussy for a while today ( could use ya for about half hour If I like it maybe longer ) ...
You won't get anthing in return ( except a thank you ) ...sorry I will not touch you at all ...you must keep your clothes on ( well I might want to watch you play with yourself too we'll see) .Be willing to come to me ( possibly eat outside - we'll see ) Not Looking to talk ...When you get here be ready to get on your knees and start eatin ..I will grab you by your hair and make sure you do it the way i want ..You will be willing ( i would not pressure you unless you want it )
I am 33 married ( with kids ) so BE DISCREET 110lbs./white
I want a woman between 25 and 30 ( white) ..Nice tits ...please be cute ...
Send a pic I will reply ...Be available around noon today ....
Hurry I'mm drippin'

Who among us isn't into the idea of an anonymous Oral Assistant who can be bossed around and then packed up and shipped home? I have imagined just such a scenario many a time.

And lookee here -- I'm feeling closer and closer to understanding your ways, putty tats!

Although, in the end it was this post, I think, that truly illuminated the way to a connection between me and my todger-dodger cats:

LOOKING FOR LESBIANS FOR PHOTO SHOOT - 25

HEY LADIES..LOOKING TO GET TOGETHER A GROUP OF LESBIANS FOR AN KISSING SEQUENCE FOR A PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT. I AM A LESBIAN, BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPHER WANTING TO EXPLORE ON FILM THE LESBIAN KISS...THERE IS NO COMPENSATION (SORRY STARVING ARTIST), BUT YOU WOULD BE LOCKING LIPS WITH SOME CUTE GIRLS, CAN PROVIDE SOME ALCOHOL, JUST GOOD TIME. PLEASE E-MAIL IF INTERESTED, PICTURE WOULD BE HELPFUL.

I mean, because really, at the end of the day, who -- gay, straight, whatever -- can honestly say that they've never been tempted into porn with the lure of free alcohol?

Pingsy and Pongsy, I think I'm starting to get it! Vulva voyage, ahoy!

Caption Contest #1: Paradise Island's Other Educational Games?

The Dyke Yellow Pages

(Linky-pops to source) We found it! Check out the "Hot Dyke Categories" and do let us know what a dyke cellular phone looks like?

At the Doctor's Office...

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. Advertisement

“How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?”

“No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

Lesbian Golfers

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,

"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Extra-strength or Regular?

Comprehensive Lesbian Image Test (CLIT)

In our culture, it used to be that a woman was either gay or she wasn`t. Nowadays we have so many words to describe ourselves, it would take a taskforce of PhDs in queer vernacular of the day, or a very skilled clairvoyant to decipher them all.

WARNING:Do not confer with your significant other on answers. Doing so maybe detrimental to your relationship.

Match the following concepts with their definitions listed below.

__ born to be a lesbian
__ converted lesbian
__ lesbian by choice
__ bisexual
__ transsexual
__ fluid sexual identity

a) a former hetrosexual who finally admitted her disillusionment, dumped her husband & became a lesbian
b) a woman who possesses the yet to be found lesbian gene
c) only her surgeon knows for sure
d) a woman who has experimented with both males & females before deciding on the better sex
e) a free spirit who wants her (beef) cake and Edith, Suzie, Mary and other females too.

Check all that apply:

1. Hard butches
__ are domineering, controlling and intimidating hairy women with permanent scowl lines embedded in their faces, who scare people on sight
__ never commit, they only conquer
__ are synonymous with stone butches, bull dykes, big foot and Neanderthals
__ are led to believe they have power over women

2. Butches
__ are female Fonzies
__ are notorious for leading many straight women to convert
__ really do carve notches in their bed posts
__ make excellent charm school teachers

3. Soft butches
__ are wannabe butches who just can`t get the attitude right
__ are butches with sensitivity training
__ are butches who have been soaked in downy
__ all of the above

4. Hard femmes
__ are femmes who work out
__ are butches in training
__ are butches who look better in a dress
__ are femmes who have been burned by too many butches

5. Femmes
__ have fingernails and know how to use them
__ have the power and know how to use it
__ are infamous for bringing butches to their knees
__ enjoy being mistaken for being straight

6. Soft femmes
__ are femmes you can sink your teeth into
__ are femmes who need to join a heath club
__ are femmes who whisper a lot
__ are novices

7. Gender benders
__ are butches who wear evening gowns
__ look better in boxer shorts than most men
__ when packing, fill out the front of jeans better than most men
__ make everyone do a double take

8. Androgynous women
__ have both male & female characteristics
__ have neither male or female characteristics
__ are the undiscovered third sex
__ are transgenderists

Read the statements below and decide if each is True, False or you`d Rather Not Say

__ Tops are preferably either butch or femme
__ Being topped by a femme is a peak experience for a butch
__ Being topped by a butch is redundant
__ The taller woman is always the top
__ Good tops are hard to find
__ Good tops are hard to tie down
__ Topps is a brand of baseball cards
__ Bottoms up is a contradiction in terms
__ Being a dime a dozen, bottoms are very cost effective
__ It is not fair to switch in the middle
__ A switch is a woman equally skilled with both hands
__ A switch is a woman who has trouble making up her mind
__ Switches do not really need a partner
__ A fiery woman who switches should be nicknames a "hot cross bun"

Check the correct answer

Conventional sex is called:
__ vanilla
__ chocolate
__ strawberry
__ rocky road

Sado-masochism is:
__ politically correct
__ politically incorrect
__ non-political
__ a famous sumo wrestler

B&D refers to:
__ breakfast & dinner
__ blind & deaf
__ a true, erotic experience

A submissive:
__ is a female submarine commander
__ takes it lying down
__ knows it`s better to surrender than fight
__ is a piece of writing sent for publication

Domination refers to:
__ a spotted dog
__ having the upper hand
__ having the upper bunk
__ a religious preference

Which of the following should we claim as part of our culture?

__ a lesbian who has never been sexual with another woman
__ a lesbian who is celibate
__ a lesbian who sleeps with men
__ married women with understanding husbands
__ any variation of bisexuality

Are you...?
__ happily single
__ unhappily single
__ happily married
__ unhappily married
__ monogamous by choice
__ non-monogamous by choice
__ celibate by choice
__ celibate by circumstance
__ a virgin by choice
__ a virgin by circumstances

Rank these fantasy dates:

__ dating the diesel dyke
__ liason with the leather dyke
__ tryst with the tomboy
__ lust with the lipie (lesbian hippie)
__ fling with the femme fatale
__ loving with the luppie (lesbian yuppie)

SCORING

If you took the test, it indicates that you:

__ are very secure in your knowledge of lesbian identities
__ are a perpetual student lesbian who thought the test was part of the curriculum
__ are probably as confused as the rest of us, and seeking some enlightenment