Whack Ass Advice: Handling the Hirsuit Honey

Dear WordyGrrl,

I truly adore my girl, but lately her physical condition and refusal to change it has really been bothering me. She doesn't believe in shaving. At all.

I'm all for "keeping it real", but she's got a tremendously hairy back and my fingernails keep getting caught in it. And frankly, it's a bit of a turnoff. Any advice?

-- Hairy Mary's Grrl

Dear Mary's Grrl,

What an unusual question you've posed. Sure hope she wears a T-shirt at the beach before she's mistaken for Sasquatch and appears on the nightly news. But I digress.

Take heart, dear, and don't worry about nagging your girlfriend to compromise her beliefs about trimming off the fur. There are other ways far more pleasant for you to achieve the closeness you desire without the snags.

Discover the amazing powers of a depilatory (hair remover) lotion. Most are pleasantly scented, moisturizing and work in minutes!

Set a scene for intimacy: candles, incense, clean sheets for a change and this "great new massage lotion" you've just discovered. Wine her, dine her and roll her on her tummy for a soothing backrub. An intimate massage of 15 minutes or more -- with that hair remover lotion -- will leave her relaxed and render that forest of icky back fur as a distant memory.

Have fun with your slippery sweetie!

--WordyGrrl

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

Coming Out For Christmas

(sung to the tune of "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing")

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old Dad and Mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now?
Watch my parents have a cow!
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all, look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too?

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice! Get off the fence!
Shout it from the highest roof --
Gay is great and you're the proof!

Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!

Beware of the Drunks: A Save and Print Special

After you and your pals have shut down the Lusty Lady Dyke Bar and Grill, do you often continue the party at your place? If so, this sign might be helpful in warding off lawsuits. Suitable for lamination, even.