The Dildo Diaries

Starring Molly Ivins, this short documentary explains the Texas Dildo Ban. Of course they do sell "instructional aids and educational models." Hilarious!

Whack Ass Advice: Nature Versus Nails

Dear Wordy,

I’m in a new relationship with a really wonderful woman who’s just about the greatest thing I’ve run across in years. We truly enjoy each other’s company and we’re definitely a “friends first” thing. We’ve gotten past the early stages of “bein’ in lurve” and now we’re settling into the part about truly getting to know each other.

We have, however, some to some kind of brick wall on a couple of issues. Namely, she really needs to get rid of her long nails. Sure, they look nice, but hey—a grrl could hurt somebody with those, ya know? She has beautiful hands already and doesn’t need the claws.

Secondly, she’s been nagging me about shaving. I’m a natural kinda grrl who doesn’t believe in cutting off hair that the Goddess intended us to have. While she’s accepted my soft furry pits and downy legs, she still can’t handle the baby-soft hair on my back.

There’s gotta be a compromise in here somewhere. Any ideas?

--Tired of the Talons


Dear Talons,

First, I must congratulate you on your new relationship. Discovering ones lover is all part of the joy that makes life worth living, isn’t it? Extra kudos to you for being “friends first”, too!.

During the “getting to know you” phase, it’s inevitable that you’ll find some areas that need compromising and your situation is a good example. By resolving situations together, you’re building a history for your relationship that you can look back on fondly in later years.

As for her fingernails… Yeowtch! You’re absolutely right about that being a major lesbian safety hazard. Let her know your concerns, and remind her often how lovely her hands are regardless. You might even offer to trim and buff her nails as a gentle courtship “grooming” ritual.

Now for putting those hands of hers to work. Her reluctance to accept your back hair may simply be due to unfamiliarity. She just hasn’t had enough exposure to your silky strands. This is where time and tenderness come into play.

Ask her if she’d be up for giving you a gentle backrub to help unlock the stress of your day. Set the scene with candles, incense and soft music you both enjoy. Her new manicure (sans pointy claws) will allow her delicate fingers to slip easily through the peach fuzz on your back while allowing her to become more familiar with your body.

So enjoy your evening of tactile bonding and revel in all the ways you two can share your love for each other!

--WordyGrrl

P.S. To make her feel extra special and empowered, let her choose the lotion.

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

There's this dermatologist ya see...

And he goes in to work one day, and his first patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My boyfriend refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love, and now I have this horrible rash." She takes off her shirt, and sure enough, there's a big red itchy rash in the form of an H on her chest.
The doctor says, "This is interesting, I've never seen anything quite like it before. I wonder why it occured in such an unusual shape."
"He goes to Harvard," she says.
"Ah, that would explain it," he says. He prescribes some calamine lotion and sends her on her way."
The next patient comes in and says, "Doctor, I hope you can help me with this rash. It's a little embarrassing, but it's driving me crazy."
She takes off her shirt, and displays a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of a Y. The doctor raises his eyebrows. "It's my boyfriend," she explains.
"He goes to Yale, and is so into his new letter sweater that he never takes it off, even when we're making love. Is there anything you can do?"
The doctor prescribes calamine lotion and sends patient number 2 on her way. The third patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me!" She takes off her shirt, and there on her chest is a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of an M.
"Don't tell me," says the doctor. "Your boyfriend goes to MIT, and refuses to take off his letter sweater when you make love."
The patient looks at him with surprise. "Close," she says. "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

Whack Ass Advice: Handling the Hirsuit Honey

Dear WordyGrrl,

I truly adore my girl, but lately her physical condition and refusal to change it has really been bothering me. She doesn't believe in shaving. At all.

I'm all for "keeping it real", but she's got a tremendously hairy back and my fingernails keep getting caught in it. And frankly, it's a bit of a turnoff. Any advice?

-- Hairy Mary's Grrl

Dear Mary's Grrl,

What an unusual question you've posed. Sure hope she wears a T-shirt at the beach before she's mistaken for Sasquatch and appears on the nightly news. But I digress.

Take heart, dear, and don't worry about nagging your girlfriend to compromise her beliefs about trimming off the fur. There are other ways far more pleasant for you to achieve the closeness you desire without the snags.

Discover the amazing powers of a depilatory (hair remover) lotion. Most are pleasantly scented, moisturizing and work in minutes!

Set a scene for intimacy: candles, incense, clean sheets for a change and this "great new massage lotion" you've just discovered. Wine her, dine her and roll her on her tummy for a soothing backrub. An intimate massage of 15 minutes or more -- with that hair remover lotion -- will leave her relaxed and render that forest of icky back fur as a distant memory.

Have fun with your slippery sweetie!

--WordyGrrl

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

Coming Out For Christmas

(sung to the tune of "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing")

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old Dad and Mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now?
Watch my parents have a cow!
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all, look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too?

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice! Get off the fence!
Shout it from the highest roof --
Gay is great and you're the proof!

Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!