Whack Ass Advice: Little Letters Mean So Much

Dear Wordy,

After a long dry spell, I’m finally back on the dating scene and meeting new people, making new friends, etc. In fact, I’ve met a wonderful girl recently who’s really caught my attentions. We have lots of common interests and enjoy spending time together.

The only thing that concerns me though is that she’s mentioned that she’s into “S&M”. Not wanting to flaunt my ignorance, I just said “Oh, that’s cool!” and left it at that.

Can you shine a little light on this for me?

-- Acronymically Challenged


Dear Acro,

I have three little words for you: Run Like Hell! While some may beg to differ, “S&M” does, in fact, stand for “Sales and Marketing”. Your delightful new kitten is actually an oily weasel who enjoys conning people out of their money in exchange for what are usually shoddy products and services.

Sure, she's charming now, but it’s only a matter of time before she’s got a leash around your neck and has you cold-calling clients at 3 a.m. Then it's off to Step 2: wining and dining some sleazy prospect on the golf course or at the local titty bar just so she can snag that commission.

Sales and Marketing people are just plain evil. Period. Resist her tempting ways and get out while you can!


Good luck and be strong,

--WordyGrrl


P.S. Being into "S&M could also mean she likes a weird mix of Skittles and M&M candies mixed together, but that's odd enough in itself. Do you really want to be with someone who can't coordinate snacks? Didn't think so.

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

WhackAss Advice: Wantin' Fries With That Shake

Dear Wordy,

I’m a manager at a fastfood joint (go ahead and laugh, but at least I’m employed) and there is one hot young employee that I'd love to make a Happy Meal out of, if you catch my drift. Sure she's only 17, but everytime I catch a glimpse of her perfect young butt in that polyester uniform my hormones start raging and it's all I can do not to ravish her in the walk-in cooler. She's flirted with me brazenly enough that she's made it clear she wants me, too. Should I cool my jets or get me some?


Wantin' Fries with that...


Dear Fries,

In today's economy, just having a job is a miracle in itself, so Miz Wordy would never be so crass as to mock your career field. Congrats on the management job, too! Now, on to your issue...

We all know that underage fast food employees have a vast range of legal options at their fingertips, so keep that in mind before you PIN HER TO THE WALL AND SCREW HER LUSCIOUS YOUNG BRAINS OUT. No relationship, casual or otherwise begins with a lawsuit in which you're made the villain for giving in to the urge to ROGER THAT LUSTY WENCH ON THOSE SACKS OF FROZEN FRIES AFTERHOURS.

Sure she's tempting and teasing and consenting, and begging for you two to GO AT IT LIKE SEX-CRAZED WEASELS. But until she's 18, you should refuse to GIVE IN TO CARNAL TEMPTATION AND DO HER. Under no circumstances, should you attempt anything that might get you throw into prison where you'd be unable to HAVE HOT WILD SEX WITH HER NOW.
I think I've made myself clear on that, eh?

--Wordy, who's had a few Whoppers in her time...

The Dildo Diaries

Starring Molly Ivins, this short documentary explains the Texas Dildo Ban. Of course they do sell "instructional aids and educational models." Hilarious!

Whack Ass Advice: Nature Versus Nails

Dear Wordy,

I’m in a new relationship with a really wonderful woman who’s just about the greatest thing I’ve run across in years. We truly enjoy each other’s company and we’re definitely a “friends first” thing. We’ve gotten past the early stages of “bein’ in lurve” and now we’re settling into the part about truly getting to know each other.

We have, however, some to some kind of brick wall on a couple of issues. Namely, she really needs to get rid of her long nails. Sure, they look nice, but hey—a grrl could hurt somebody with those, ya know? She has beautiful hands already and doesn’t need the claws.

Secondly, she’s been nagging me about shaving. I’m a natural kinda grrl who doesn’t believe in cutting off hair that the Goddess intended us to have. While she’s accepted my soft furry pits and downy legs, she still can’t handle the baby-soft hair on my back.

There’s gotta be a compromise in here somewhere. Any ideas?

--Tired of the Talons


Dear Talons,

First, I must congratulate you on your new relationship. Discovering ones lover is all part of the joy that makes life worth living, isn’t it? Extra kudos to you for being “friends first”, too!.

During the “getting to know you” phase, it’s inevitable that you’ll find some areas that need compromising and your situation is a good example. By resolving situations together, you’re building a history for your relationship that you can look back on fondly in later years.

As for her fingernails… Yeowtch! You’re absolutely right about that being a major lesbian safety hazard. Let her know your concerns, and remind her often how lovely her hands are regardless. You might even offer to trim and buff her nails as a gentle courtship “grooming” ritual.

Now for putting those hands of hers to work. Her reluctance to accept your back hair may simply be due to unfamiliarity. She just hasn’t had enough exposure to your silky strands. This is where time and tenderness come into play.

Ask her if she’d be up for giving you a gentle backrub to help unlock the stress of your day. Set the scene with candles, incense and soft music you both enjoy. Her new manicure (sans pointy claws) will allow her delicate fingers to slip easily through the peach fuzz on your back while allowing her to become more familiar with your body.

So enjoy your evening of tactile bonding and revel in all the ways you two can share your love for each other!

--WordyGrrl

P.S. To make her feel extra special and empowered, let her choose the lotion.

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

There's this dermatologist ya see...

And he goes in to work one day, and his first patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My boyfriend refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love, and now I have this horrible rash." She takes off her shirt, and sure enough, there's a big red itchy rash in the form of an H on her chest.
The doctor says, "This is interesting, I've never seen anything quite like it before. I wonder why it occured in such an unusual shape."
"He goes to Harvard," she says.
"Ah, that would explain it," he says. He prescribes some calamine lotion and sends her on her way."
The next patient comes in and says, "Doctor, I hope you can help me with this rash. It's a little embarrassing, but it's driving me crazy."
She takes off her shirt, and displays a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of a Y. The doctor raises his eyebrows. "It's my boyfriend," she explains.
"He goes to Yale, and is so into his new letter sweater that he never takes it off, even when we're making love. Is there anything you can do?"
The doctor prescribes calamine lotion and sends patient number 2 on her way. The third patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me!" She takes off her shirt, and there on her chest is a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of an M.
"Don't tell me," says the doctor. "Your boyfriend goes to MIT, and refuses to take off his letter sweater when you make love."
The patient looks at him with surprise. "Close," she says. "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."