You May Have Given the Wrong Valentine's Day Gift

Have you noticed a distinct lackanookie in your household since February 14th? It may be due to the totally inappropriate gift you gave your sweetheart for Valentine's Day.

Sure, she was nice about it and all, but the Slot Machine of Love has not been spewing quarters at you lately, and these gifts might be why. Here's what your inappropriate gift says about you:

Chastity Belt with GPS Tracking: This says you're the "Stalkery Type" who won't take "I'm at my Mom's house, helping her deal with the side effects of chemo, dammit!" for an answer. You want to know exactly where she and her cooze are at all times. It's a little too...clingy. Might want to trade that in for something less... scary. Your parole officer would agree.

The Chocolate Scale: Oh, it's not a scale to weigh your chocolate. It's a scale she can weigh her fat ass on every day of her life until she loses that extra weight she picked up at Mich Fest, isn't it? Or maybe it'll remind her of all those calories she ingested every time she took a bite of that funnel cake at the last Pride while your svelte vegan ass was starving for anything that wasn't guaranteed to be animal product-free? Nice going, moron.


Elephant Poo Paper Roses: Just because she drives a Prius doesn't mean she's going to go all green-gaga over this 'earth-friendly' gift. For gawd's sake, you just literally gave her sh*t for Valentine's Day! Because it was classier than giving her an "I Luv U" message made of fake dog crap?
What a charmer you are. Not. Totally not.


The Kiss-O-Meter: Remember those old carnival/arcade thingies where you grabbed some handle that'd tell you (in red flashing lights, no less!) what a good kisser you were? Well, this ain't it. The Kiss-O-Meter is a personal halitosis warning system so you don't accidentally inflict your stinking breath on a kiss you're aiming at some one. This sends a message, alrighty.

The TwoDaLoo: Sure, she'd love to have a really unique iPod docking station with a built in LCD tv, but this isn't it. In fact, this is right up there with the Uhaul you showed up with on your second date. It's too much togetherness. Way too much.

Oh we could go on for days, but you've probably already received something oddly inappropriate for VD. Feel free to dish the dirt on that horrendous gift, with complete anonymity, in the comments.