That's the Way to Stop Those Lesbian Rumors

How Can You Tell She's a Lesbian

From Alison Bechdel

First scan her carefully for any obvious signs
Labrys jewlery
Tatoos of women`s names
Wallet in hip pocket

If no physical clues are evident, next you must scrutinize her behaviour
Does she make tampon jokes
Get calls only from women
Change the subject when conversations get touchy?
Yeah, the diaphrams inconvenient, but I kept forgetting to
take the pill. Ya can`t win. What do you use Sarah?

My goodness! A rare spotted malasian mango moth! And at
this time of the month

If the answer to any of these is YES chances are she`s one of us. But none
of this evidence is conclusive for proof, you must proceed to the next
step; judicious but leading remarks...
That`s a lovely LAVENDER sweatshirt...LAVENDER is my
favorite color, it`s so Festive and GAY!
wink wink nudge nudge

Finally if none of these methods are getting you anywhere, try asking her,
already!
Are you a lesbian?
Of course, aren`t you?

The Grand Unified Lesbian Theory

(or "Why there appears to be a void of single lesbians on a given night in any city I happen to be in")

By Jackie Burrell

In any given area there are x number of lesbians. It doesn't matter where in the world you are, there are x number of lesbians within a reasonable area. Out of that x number of lesbians there are exactly (x-3)/2 number of couples.

Therefore if X=53 there are 25 couples. (A couple does not have to be living together (yeah right), and can include people who are in the PROCESS of breaking up, who have crushes on other people who are in relationships with other people, or who are not yet over the last person they broke up with. (The latter two will always combine to be an even number thereby maintaining the proper balance.) (X however will always be odd). Therefore if you are single, you are part of the three non-coupled people.

So the trick is to find one of the other three (or two remaining) single lesbians. At any given time, one of them will be:
a) out of town (but whatever town she's in will have someone else who's
single out of town thereby keeping the equilibrium)
b) dating men to see if things have changed since the last time she thought
she might be straight.
Therefore you have but one eligible person to date. But you've dated her and she's psychotic.

So how does one get a date? Well remember what I said before about equilibrium? If a couple breaks up, a new couple has to instantly form to maintain the balance. At least one of the members of the new couple will be a part of the couple that broke up (and isn't it just annoying when you aren't the half that does this?), and one will be either:
a) just out of a relationship themselves or
b) part of the three single women group.
HOWEVER, even if two people from two seperate couples break up and form a new couple, a second new couple has to be formed, and therefore ONE and ONLY ONE of the three single women will be drafted into the new couple.

There are two times of the year that this theory will fall apart:
1) Softball season
2) The holidays
At these times the equilibrium will be disturbed but IMMEDIATELY following these periods it will be restored.

Filtering Spam For Fun and Profit

By LNewsEditor


We love it when real LNewsers write in with links, news tips and their own thoughts, but we don't deeply love it when we get emailed by bots. Spam bots. And yes, they are legion, but they are kinda funny sometimes.

Granted, we definitely have a sense of humor about it. We delight in the power of the internet to bring us closer together and keep us informed, whether it be about today's news or tomorrow's events. Sometimes we find inner fulfillment in some celebrity crap that makes us realize that "Hah, I'm not nearly as trailer as Britney and her whigger snotrag of a husband, K-Fed!" And the ever-popular "OMG! Ellen's single again!"

Some spamulation offers for help are downright confusing. For example, one spam promises to help you gain inches while another promises to help you lose inches. A perfect balance of conflict for the indecisive OCD worrywarts in your life. Twitch, twitch.

On the gaining inches side, it's usually inches in the weenage department. Heck, if you want a bigger peener, do what every bright lesbian does. Get on the internet and buy yourself a whole passel of big ol' swingin' johnsons in various sizes, shapes and colors! Don't forget the lube and batteries on your way to the checkout page.

Underfunded? There's always financial assistance. Even if you've spent your entire life in your parents house, under a bridge or in an apartment, they can help you refinance a mortgage on a home you don't even have! Heck, they'll even offer to put some vinyl siding on it, too. For low discount prices, even. Just cover that baby up with slabs of plastic and watch your investment balloon until it pops! Or just melts in the next heatwave.

Wanna crack into the stock market and be a hotshot trader? Apparently, penny stocks are the way to go. If some Chinese company you never heard of is trading for .0015 a share, just imagine how many shares you can buy for little more than the price of a Whopper and fries! Almost a bazillion, prolly! Stock market tip emails have the best ever subject lines, too. "Linoleum Rising," "Cartier Fathers," and "Melanoma Surprise" are great band names waiting to happen.

And the names these spambots use...they're almost like real peoples names. Except I've never been to high school with anybody named Ardelia Melida or Keisha Mirtha, but Rikki Meglaly was in Honor Society back when her name was Richard. She was such a pretty boy. Too pretty, in fact. I'm not surprised she's sending out spam to finance "the change."

So when we're sorting through all those offers for cheap watches (we're good with anything that takes a licking and keeps on ticking) and all those webcams aimed at neglected housewives (a sadly underreported crime that could be an excellent recruiting opportunity), know that we're getting a kick out of it all in a perverse way.

But we'd really rather hear from you. Don't try to sell us, just tell us -- what's on your mind. It won't drain anybody's wallet or lead to an embarrassed midnight call to the Better Business Bureau, but it is a good investment in the worldwide lesbian community we're building here. For heaven's sake, we just found out there's a bunch of hot Nordic musician babes visiting LNews on a regular basis! (Don't lie and say you don't want a phone number or two.)

LNewsers are definitely more lively and interesting than spambot spewage any day, and you know it. Besides, you might have a cool email nic that makes us wanna email you back, then rush out, buy your stock and view your webcam, baybee...

What's Her Bra Size?

Sure, you know your girlfriend's cupcakes like the palms of your hands. But how well can you evaluate celebrity hooters? Take the quiz and give it your best shot at cleavage questioning with What’s Her Bra Size?